Love is the greatest feeling on earth; it makes us feel unstoppable, free, happy and confident. Some people are lucky enough to have what they want , to love and be loved in return , others are not that lucky , they dream about love but they can't find it and when they do , it's always too late . Too late to realize that the one person they really love is the one person they can't be with, because they let him get away, they actually tortured him enough to leave and never look back. And this is what happened to me, yes I was deeply in love with someone and I didn't realize how much I love him till six months ago when I surprisingly met him in the street, he was right there in front of me after almost three years since the day we broke up.
He was the same guy I fell for five years ago, I remember the first day I saw him as if it was yesterday, I saw that confident attractive guy coming towards us in the university and that was it , I told my best friend " oh my GOD , am in love " . I felt the same when I saw him after all that time , it was like am falling for him again and the shy little girl woke up , I tried so hard not to smile but I couldn't , I mean he's the love of my life people and here he is in front of me after that time. Despite how I felt, I didn’t talk to him or even say hi, I just walked away hoping that he would call and guess what, he didJ.
We started talking again and I was happy, I can't remember the last time I was that happy , we went out together and we talked and talked , he changed in a positive way , he was no longer annoying :P , he was a man…an actual man not a teenager and that's what made me love him even more but both of us has moved on , he has a relationship , a serious one and for that we can't be together and this is devastating. I tried to convince myself over and over that what I feel for him is more like nostalgia, it's not real but who am I kidding, am in love and I realized that he was me match too late.
I know that some of will probably say that am not good but think about it for a second , we can't control how we feel even if we tried. Sooner or later we're gonna stop talking and seeing each other and I know that but even when we do, we'll always be together. We were too young and stupid to understand what real love is and now we're too mature to destroy lives for it and it really sucks to be that mature. Sometimes I just wish that life would be like a bollywood movie when the hero takes his lover away and they live happily ever after but it's not and it will never be, it's just the life when we live and die without being happy, at least I know I won't, not without him coz at this point I know what true love is and I know that he was always there , deep down in my heart, I just couldn't see and it's hard to ignore how I feel now.
Sometimes it hits me "I have the right to be happy and to have my fairy tale, my happily ever after", and then I say no, I let him go before and he let me go too so this is our punishment, we may be deeply in love but we will never live together. Our fate is to live with other people and he started it already and to be honest I always ask myself what does he feel when he's with her, I mean if he loves me and wants me to be with him as he says then how can he be with another, maybe he doesn't love me and maybe he does, I can't tell all the time. Sometimes I feel that he's from head to toe in love with me and some other times I feel that it's ok if he didn’t talk to me for days but again men and women think differently about love. For women love is a priority. It's the most important thing in their lives. No matter what they do, a part of their consciousness is taken by love. But for men, love is just a part of their lives, so if he's got work he can't think of love until he's done with it; so maybe that's why he's not always there he's busy working, or this what I want to believe.
I feel stuck between the fact that am really truly deeply totally in love with him and the fact that being with him needs a miracle, and I swear I tried to live without him but I was so lonely, he left this empty space and the world was not the same. When he's not around I can't breathe and my heart bleeds and i am not the girl I used to be. I go to the places we've been together and it feels like he's there, I can see him; I can smell his perfume and I actually search for him. I know that all I had is all I gonna get and there's a possibility that all I was gonna get is gone with him.
I keep fighting what am feeling, every second of everyday I keep wishing that he would disappear as if he was never there, I pray and I pray and I ask GOD to keep us apart but at the end of the day I know that he's the one and what I feel when he's around is the real thing, the smile, the tear, the pain, the love…….it's all real and I will never feel the same with another, never did and never will.
My love is as forbidden as the apple that made Adam & Eve leave heaven. It will cause nothing but pain, not for us but for those who love us and I mean our families. Our families who were the reason why we broke up at the first place , the thought we were not good for each other and we let them decide out fate and here we are letting them do it again, it's like I hit a rewind button and the movie of my pathetic life has started all over again. I keep asking myself how did we let things go that far? Why did we let them decide for us? What did ever do to deserve such a painful life?
I am not a drama queen by the way, am just a normal girl who wants to live and die in the arms of the one man she's ever loved but she simply can't.
